by Jean Lafitte (with translation by DJ Jaco)
(DJ: He means pirates. Specifically, undead French pirates from the early 1800s. Old, undead pirates.)
Over my many years, I have had the pleasure of sharing my charms with any number of women of much variety as to age and shape and size.
(DJ: In other words, he slept around like a tomcat.)
Bah, Jolie. You must not interrupt. Which leads me to my first bit of advice for the ladies of the modern world. Modern woman are too forward, and feel they always must have the final word in any discussion. Perhaps one might attempt a bit of demure behavior to tease a gentleman and turn his thoughts from the strain of business and power to gentler pursuits. A fluttering of lashes. A hint of a blush. Of course, a gentleman always appreciates a young woman who is genteel and demure when among people and saves more private behavior for the chambre à coucher.
(DJ: In other words, he wants a lady in the parlor and a whore in the bedroom.)
I did not make mention of whores, Drusilla. That is another subject altogether. Should we discuss the diseases one must be aware of before—
(DJ: No! Forget I said anything about whores. No whores.)
Mais oui. Just so. A well brought-up young woman would also not continually interrupt and argue.
But now that you have spoken thus, I should add that modern women have lost the art of proper and appropriate language. As I must continue to remind Drusilla, “go to hell” is not an acceptable response for a young lady of proper breeding to say to a man who is attempting to woo her.
Qu’est-ce que c’est woo-hoo? And as long as I am using Drusilla as an example, I also might point out that the way modern women dress is quite distressing. Either one is, like my lovely Jolie, attempting to hide one’s beauty beneath the clothing of a farm laborer…
(DJ: These jeans cost half a month’s salary, buddy. And this is cashmere.)
…Or one is wearing far too little. A gentleman wishes to have some mystery remaining when he attains a private audience with a young woman. If she has displayed her private beauty to every gentleman in town, there is little left to discover, sadly.
(DJ: Is that why you walked down Bourbon Street last Saturday night with your eyes bulging out? Because you were horrified?)
Ah, well, a man must be a man, after all. And it was necessary that I study the modern woman more fully in order to offer the benefit of my wisdom.
(DJ: You were ogling.)
I think you are perhaps filled with envy, Jolie? That I was not ogling you? *Chuckles* Now, she is silent. Très bien.
Next, a woman should accept a man’s gifts, whether flowers or some trinket, with gratitude. I find modern women much too suspicious, as when I presented Drusilla with a lovely parfum from the Beyond. Rather than a curtsy and a gentle “Merci, Jean,” she held the bottle to her nose and asked its ingredients. Dealing with such a woman could try the patience of a saint, and of course not all gentlemen of my acquaintance have my generous and forgiving nature.
(DJ: Oh, go to hell. Oops.)
*Sighs* Finally, a modern woman who wishes to attract a famous privateer such as myself should make an art of providing for his comfort. Help him remove his boots after a long day’s labor aboard-ship, draw his bath, or perhaps prepare him a drink as he sloughs off the worries of the day.
(DJ: *mutters* Yeah, I can help you slough off a thing or two.)
Excellente! I shall wait for you in your home.
(DJ: Wait…did he just leave? He just left! He’s going to my house and expects me to draw him a bath? That is so not happening…Gotta run!)
NOTE: Jean Lafitte, DJ Jaco and their merman friend Rene Delachaise are currently starring in a new novella, PIRATESHIP DOWN, along with other stories featuring the characters of the Sentinels of New Orleans urban fantasy series. No prior knowledge of the series required!
PIRATESHIP DOWN can be purchased in eBook and/or paperback format